“You’re not bad, You’re Autistic”

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I just got back from a crisp afternoon hike in the nearby forest with Atlas. I've been a bit of a grumpy pants today, so I was pretty resistant to getting out for the hike. Then once we got out of the car and I was in the trees, feet on the Earth, I almost immediately started to feel more resourced. At some point along the trail. my mind wandered back to Friday. I found myself savoring the experience of that day some more.

On Friday, I facilitated the first Do's and Dont's of its newest evolution-a 2 hour session, followed by an hour break for rest/movement/nourishment/integration, followed by another 2 hour session. On the break, I noticed my anxiety spike. I felt so many feels all at once, namely awe and grief. This group, while considered "small," was also a first...the 5 therapists in attendance are all Autistic, some multiply ND. My inner child felt very present. They were consumed with awe at the privilege and opportunity to facilitate and hold space for and with 5 other Autistic clinicians. "Really, this is who I became?!" And they also were deeply distressed. I was bombarded by images of young me and the sound of my dad's criticism, all different versions of "Nyck, you are bad." (my dad's been dead nearly 20 years, which somehow makes it feel more vulnerable to publicly acknowledge his shortcomings as a parent).

On that break, I laid on the couch, curled up, with the support of some proprioceptive input from Karolina, and I just kept thinking about what an honor it was to have this leadership role within my own community (ie Autistic folx) and how much I didn't want to disappoint them. I worried that there was no way we would get through all the content after putting so much care and attention into community building in the first half. I was petrified to let them down.

And then as I allowed the quiet and the weight and the stillness to penetrate my nervous system, heart, and mind, something else started to show up. In the midst of feeling young and hearing the painful sound of my dad's disappointment in me, I imagined something else. I heard him take a different approach. Instead of expressing his frustration at my stubbornness, seriousness, and profound sensitivity, he looked at me and said "Nyck, you're not bad, you're Autistic, and I'm still learning what that means as your parent. I'm still learning how to parent you." 

Several days later. as I sit at the dining room table at dusk, the light inside and outside fading, sweet little Tuck Tuck sleeping curled up on a cushion next to me, Atlas and Karolina resting on the couch together in the next room, I feel myself in a new way. I'm nearly a 42 year old adult now, with a beautiful family of my own, and I can sense young Nyck and my dad forging a new pathway forward. I can access his love, his care, his sorrow at his mistakes, and his profound and sincere hope to do better. I can feel how proud he is of me. That even with all the odds seemingly stacked upon me at times, my fierce courage and gentle warrior heart have gotten me to this moment in time. To a moment when I get to live out my values, share these values with others, and create space after space where the message reverberates: "You are not bad, you are Autistic" (and so much more). What an honor that is. How beautiful to get to affirm people day in and day out in the perfection of their essence, in their wisdom and brilliance, and in their capacity to be human. 

It is from this place of wonder, gratitude, tenderness, and courage that I created our newest offering: Neurodivergent Somatics: a cohort based learning lab that starts in January. It is an expression and evolution of my personal and professional growth and development over the decades, and an opportunity that I feel profoundly grateful to share with my fellow clinicians. We will meet 5 times in total, 2.5 hours each time. While all neurotypes are welcome, this will be a ND affirming space that centers the Autistic and ADH neurotypes, and Neurodivergence will be the dominant culture. 

We will invest in community building, learning, and growing together in a small group of 8 members. Each session will be a journey through the ND Somatics model: Pleasure/Neutrality, Global Permission, and Client as Self-expert. We will explore concrete anti-ableist, trauma informed somatic tools and strategies to support nervous system regulation for our clients and for ourselves as clinicians. We will examine how internalized ableism/ableism lives within us and inadvertently creates rules that dictates what we believe makes a "good" therapist and client. We will wonder through the forest of accommodations and executive functions supports that our clients and we need to exist in this world and be well. We will explore boundaries as a source of differentiation that is essential to empowerment, clarity, and unmasking, both for clients and as therapists. 

In support of accessibility and bringing together a diverse, intersectional community of clinicians, tiered pricing is available. BIPOC and multiply marginalized folx are especially encouraged to access our "cultivating equity" options. Click here for registration info.

*If you'd like to join but haven't yet taken the pre-requisite (The Do's and Dont's), there's one more opportunity! On Friday, January 12th, I'll be collaborating with Leading Edge Seminars to offer a 3 hour, large scale zoom training that will also provide Canadian CEUs. Click here to learn more and register.*