On Being the Buck: Part 2 of A(nother) Brave Leap

I did the thing! And I lived to tell about it 😊. Even my digestive system made it through! (big anxiety = lots of poops for me). 

What a growth spurt these past couple months, and how freakin cool for it to be instigated by a not-traumatic event, but ultimately something exciting. I’m still digesting how profoundly supported I felt throughout this time, how much nourishment I allowed myself to take in. What a wide range of support, too: work with a shamanic practioner, acupuncture, professional consultation/mentorship, friends, family, peers/colleagues, clients, nature, ancestors, and Karolina (truth be told, I couldn’t have done this without Karolina!).

The conference itself was a mixed bag: low attendance and not nearly as “innovative” or justice oriented as I had hoped; but, and perhaps what matters most, is that I’m really proud of myself and how my presentation went. I had a whole thing beforehand about what it would be like to be an embodied Autistic person at an in person event, how authentic would I allow myself to be or feel safe enough to be. And I did it! I even let my hands do what they wanted to do (no quiet hands for me!). The people who attended also really contributed to it being a safe space, and they had some really cool insights that left me feeling touched and inspired. 

Whoa! Like seriously, these trees are the ancient elders of the planet and exude mysticism and wonder.

While we were in San Francisco, Karolina reflected that I really “practiced what I teach.” I prioritized sensory delights and parasympathetic states! I noticed that the idea of taking in new information (ie attending the conference beyond just being there to present) felt terrible, so I even let myself be “irresponsible” and play instead! Oh the redwoods at Muir Woods were beyond magical, I felt like I was at home in them, like a visceral sense of belonging (which almost never comes that naturally with actual humans lol). We ate such delicious food, including (but not limited to) sushi, ramen, dumplings, phӧ, ice cream…oh the delight for my tastebuds. We also rode bikes, took walks, went to the botanic gardens, and I rested (like pretty much just bonded with the bed the day after the presentation). 

Over the course of preparation for this experience, I gained a lot of insight about the profound fear that was present. Sure, some of it was internalized oppression and acknowledgement of the rich history of oppression, both systemically and within the psychology field, but it was more than that. During one of the many conversations I had with Karolina in those weeks leading up about my anxiety, a new level of clarity, or perhaps language, showed up. Here I was, a lifelong fawner (people pleaser, appeaser), expert level, you could say, and I wasn’t shutting up, playing nice, or being small anymore. I was preparing to go “make waves” as one friend put it, be big, speak truth, and take up space-not “sugar coat,” “dumb down,” or avoid the truth (though my gentle, compassionate, open-hearted nature is still very present). 

This was the part that was preparing to die: the fawner, my previous protection system. This protector taught me that the key to my survival was “don’t be seen, don’t be noticed, be who ‘they’ want you to be, blend in, be invisible.” It was my antidote to the terror of being “disposable.” Appeasing others and people pleasing kept me safe and alive (and also resulted in profound loss of myself in the process). 

Feeling so much love for Karolina, this massive, towering Redwood tree, and even myself :-)

The thing about these protector parts though is that they really mean well, and they ultimately come from a place of internal wisdom based on the circumstances at the time of their creation. Even so, it became really clear that this protective system of the past is no longer protective in 2023. Now that I’m a full grown, whole adult who has actual boundaries (whoa!), self-trust, self-loyalty, self-advocacy, and a whole of lot love (actual love, not what I was taught was “love” growing up in my family system), it was time for an upgrade to my protective system. Time to BE THE BUCK.

My vision of the buck (aside from an actual deer with really cool antlers that signal to people who try to mess with me to “back the fuck up 😊”) is of The Rock: a really strong, muscular, intimidating looking bouncer/body guard type. Instead of the fawn’s motto, “keep Nyck small and out of any possible danger, ie vulnerable situation, ” now it’s “let’s help Nyck show ‘em how it’s done!” 

It's not that I won’t ever fawn and people please again (so not realistic! or even the point), but this whole process showed me so much (uncomfortably so) about the ways I’ve masked, who I’ve wanted to be verses who I’ve actually been (oof this is a tough one), and what “safety” means for me now. 

Lush heart-shaped, clover-like, green plant that I can’t remember the name of that blanketed the Redwood forest floor.

Being the fawm-small, quiet, nice, and disconnected from myself- were the ingredients for self-loathing, depression, anxiety, no self-trust.  I could go on and on (but I won’t right now, more to come in a future blog). Being The Buck-embodied, grounded, speaking truth, self-assured- leaves me feeling proud, confident, safe. My white privilege helps with this, too…ugh.

I went into this whole conference experience feeling so brave and so terrified. I came out the other side feeling even braver, so proud of myself, and with language and imagery that has me understanding me more. I feel more honest than ever, even more willing to tell the truth on myself. And, I feel even more aligned with and anchored in myself-the perfectly flawed being that I am.

I DID IT!!!  (and I can’t thank you enough for your support and believing in me!)